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Name: dlaNa
Gender: Female
Interests: watching movies(mostly romantic comedy), computer/internet,tv,chinese films,sleeping,being lazy,laughing,reading new and intresting books, listening to music both chinese and english AND japanese!!, read manga, watch anime....and lots more.....
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  pink2obsession
Member Since:
8/10/2002
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| this to me is the best place to rant
i know xanga isn't the IT thing anymore
but i hope it never shuts down
cause i need it to write my thoughts
anyways i'm have issues that i can't seem to think through
so just to let me future self know
that trebor and i are back together
and we have been since like may of 08
and it's almost a year since i last types
the summer was fun, i'd worked but i didn't have a lot of time to do a lot of things
but we saw each other almost everyday and when we didn't i felt guilty which i shouldn't
cause i need to have my own independents
anyways currently i think we are heading for a really big hill/mountain of a issue
i really want to say to him "no matter that you end up deciding i will always love u, and even thought u constantly hurt me it never stops me from continueily loving you" or something like that
i was going to send him an email, but i thought i do this first
but i'll realize something here that i didn't, and i don't want to send him an email and make it seen like i've given up
i don't know what to do anymore
he wanted more, but i can't do more than what i can
cause it's really no fun for me, i don't see or understand how it's so good
and i'm trying my best become more likeable for it, but i can't
and he's not being fair, but i'm not being fair too
idk what to do anymore, cause it seems like i make it like it's his fault, but if i think about it, it's not all him
it's me too, cause in a relationship u are have give and take, and idk, cause i can do that for everything else
but this, and everytime i give him a little more of something
he ends up wanting more, and i know this
and each time i give a little i tell myself, that maybe,just maybe that he won't ask for more or for something else
with him, i'm not myself, at least in these situations like that
i'm not the strong and hardcore diana that i like to be, and the bad thing i guess is that i know that all of this is happening and that i allow it
i love him
i guess this is what it feels like to have a painful love
untill time, i'll pour my heart out again
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| it was weird seeing you tonight, it's been a while since
you grew your hair, i cut mine's
i had a feeling that i was going to be getting my things back tonight, i didn;t know if you had any intentions with giving the things back to me, but those pants that you made me and the slippers that went with it, it brings back a lot of memories.
after we made small talk and you handled my things back to me, there was a feeling that you were going to do something, you mention that you shouldn't, now that i thought about it, i wondered if i should have give in
even though you did all those things to me, i can't say you weren't a good bf
then again that's what a lot of people think after they aren't together anymore, they start to think of all the good things that happen and considered the bad things aren't so bad after all
idk, i mean i let it go a few times, that's cause i told myself that i long for the comfort and happiness in it
and that i might not find something like it, so far i'm right, then again it's too early to know
what i know, is that you set the standards for whom ever i date in the future
and as of right now, that person that i'm quote unquote with doesn't compare to what we had
i keep telling myself that it's cause he's new to things, i will not complain or pick at little things
but in return in some ways i'm giving up my happiness to be with this new guy
then i also tell myself that it's cause my last relationship was like an commitment and i shouldn't compare my last one to the present one
but if i look back, this present guy doesn't do anything, ANYTHING AT ALL
:sigh: it was nice to see you again, it truly was
i'll take you up on your offer on that movie, but in the futuree
i guess it was better that we don't see each other of a while, for the healing to do it's work, i'm not sure if that works for you, but it helped me a lot
idk what else to say, but thanks for being with me, it has helped me grow in different ways
maybe in the future we can joke about the past
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| it's december it's been so long and so much has happened since
april and i have become best friends and things like that
joanne is not in the picture, and hates me more that i thought she did
but it's ok, i'm not letting someone small and fake get to me
we only have one more week left
ariel and i did get together, but it lasted exactly 2 weeks
we didn't get each other and i lied we don't have a lot of things to talk about
i was the only one that did the talking and when i wasn't, of course it was end silent
there's so much drama and idk where to start
let's start with joanne
i knew since the beginning that she was a kind of person that i don't usually get along with
but cause she was friends with april, i was letting it go, and i thought i was just being like selfish or like making trouble
so i let it be, but slowing it was getting to me, later i finally said something to april, and then i realized that it wasn't just me
and then i guess i was more quiet than i really was, there was finally a weekend that it was just joanne and i
it was suppose to be the weekend where we bond, we didn't
when april came back, i told her what happened
then i think maybe that's when april and i were more distance with her
there was also a time where april and i fought, cause she thought i was talking to james behind her back and thing like that, joanne was the cause of that. we came to an agreement, and we became closer cause of that fight
and during when we talked about things at post, i mentioned that joanne and april flavored each other and i was always the one that felt left out, both of them denied the fact
but april was right, she didn't flavor joanne over me
but joanne was a liar, she did flavor april over me
back to being distance with joanne...she wanted to talk with april, and wanted to fix there relationship
but not our relationship, all 3 of us talked before 2 different times before she went behind my back to start over with only april. at first it upset me, cause i thought april was going to try and stay netrual and that i couldn't talk to her about things anymore
now that we are over her and her attention-grabbing-fake-cutesy-voice-thinking-that-she-is-so-lovable ways
april and i get the chance of being the great friends are that are
but i feel like i'm the only that cherish our friendship more than she does
she's leaving early cause she doesn't have finals after next week, she's going to be taking driving lessons and things, she leaves me here on campus multiple times
and i need to learn how to deattach myself for the break and the summer, it's going to be too hard for me if i don't.
my situation with ariel, is that we fought so much for a relationship that was of 2weeks
he broke it off, after a little rumor that was going around
later LATER i found out that he didn't mean to break up with me, he wanted to take a break with me and better himself
there were so much times that i had a great feeling of us getting back together
but i remind myself of the incompatible we had of each other,
he would never want to talk about serious things, that can help me better understand where we stand and things.
lol, it's been like 3months since we last went out
and he's been asking me out again, and i like rejecting his ass, cause he doesn't know anything new about me, so that's y i don't think he cares as much. he like rushing into things.
:sigh: i'm in his room trying to do my paper, but not as u can guess
yesterday i did the same thing, then later i slept with him in his bed, and his new roomie!!! lol
idk how things are going to work out, cause like he got me a bday present alrdy and they are earrings that cost a lot!!
anyways i should get back to my paper
until next time
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| right now i'm not offically done with high school, i graduated on june 28th of 2007 my mother and brother was there, and my cousin may and her mother(my aunt), it was an ok day, i was frustrated. we went to yum cha after and i ended up staying over at may's place, that's was like 5 days ago. right now it's the 2nd or the 3rd looking at the time and all. i like it here, i have free will, and i don't have my naggng mother on my back, but here at may's place i'm not use to the place. but i get to do a lot more. may has the coolest mother and i'm totally jealous. we went shopping upstate on friday, that's partly y i wanted to sleepover, it was a really cool outdoor mall. it's nice, but i'll have to go home sure it's not nice to over stay. mei's also going to china soon too. it's nice she has a bf now, i talk about guys things with her. i listen a lot more mainly i think it's cause i don't have a bf anymore. but here's the thing. the mainly reason i wanted to type was because of this guy. there's this guy that i don't really know much about suddenly askes me out after i told him that i wasn't taken anymore. i've talked with him on the phone like 2/3days ago for like hrs. but i still don't know if he likes me likes me. you know what i mean? he's friendly, and been called a tease lots of times. and we don't see each other like a a regular basics. he's cool, but he's different. i get the feeling that he doesn't like me that much. i was leaning toward actually dating him. but that was what i was cnsidering when we talked for hrs on the phone. but that was all one day. and i was probably caught up in the hyper the feeling of the moment, i knew it, when i woke up the next day. i doubted myself cause i didn't have the wanted feelings i has before. but there are times that he say things that i like, but that's probably from past experiences he had with knowing how to impress a girl or "wow" her and things. i can kinda tell, cause he say he call me today to hang out and check out things, but he never. he said he was tired and things. it's not like i can get mad or anything, cause we aren't dating, and i don't think it affects much if we aren't a couple. but i'm think i'm caught up in the hyper that's all. what i noticed was that when we talked on the phone we domanints the convo's. i would start talking and then it would stray off course then he'll lead. i believe birth order is a key in a relationship, he's 1st born and things are different. we don't have much in common, so what are the chances of lasting long? i told him that. and i have a feeling that he gave up partly. it's hard, i actually didn't consider having a bf during the summer, cause it's going to be different in college, and i'm not sure if i want to enter with a bf or not. i guess i'm over thinking it. i've asked may about what she thinks of him, cause they kinda talked before, and he told her jokes and stuff, she's unsure too, cause i told her that we don't hang out a lot. she told me to hang out with him more they make up my mind. it's hard, cause i dn't know how i'll act in his presents. he also asked me to go on a trip with him in aug with his friends and all i thought it was cool, and i thought it was an up-in-the-air thingly, cause they are going some seriously planning thing. so it's hard, when i don't even know if i'm going to date him or not. he also told me that he starts training in aug for football. so i think it's going to be hard to hang out. i asked him, why does he want to date when he doesn't have time to date, all he said what that he'll make time, that to me is an unsure answer. cause i wanted to date a guy that had his own social life so that i don't have to cancel with my friends or feel bad when i'm with my friends but i think there's a differences between having time or friends and a gf, & trying to squeeze in time for a relationship. as a girl i want to feel important and loved, i want to be cared for and at the same time care for him. but if there isn't time forboth sides the relationship is bout to fail in a way. i guess what i'm trying to tell myself is that i'm scared. i am after all single after being in a 2yr relationship with someone that i felt comfortable and content. i don't want to go back with my ex, i know that for sure, but i'm scared cause there might not be someone to put up with me when i'm having a ugly day or a moody bitch day. someone that won't be disgutsed with my period or be dissappointed with the way i look. because like a lot of people, they only see one side of me, the friendly, smiling diana. i can't do that 24/7, i want to be mad and cry once a while to know that i can. like eden's crush's song " i want to cry and still feel beautiful..." someone that is willing to comfort me and spoil me. and won't be embrassed to be a hentai infront of me, lol i'm scared, i'm alone, and i'm entering college soon. i wish i had a really good friend to listen to everything from guy worries to girls issues I'M SCARED | | |
| it's late and i wanted to vent that's all
anyways it's finally june
i've 18 since feb 15th, and i've been complaining (sortda) that i'm old
my prom was on may25th, which was also robert's b-day
may8th was when we broke up, after 2yrs, one month and like 10 days
it has ended, it's not like i don't still see him, it's mainly all the things attached aren't there
at least that's what it seems
i haven't cried for the break up, i think i prepared my heart for it
i knew it wasn't going to work, with wll the things he put me through
i feel like i do now probably cause i'm not used to it
i'm probably wishing it never happened but it was something that i got use to
lol, i don't know if it's my way of cope-ing, but i've been staying up late into the morning and sleeping in
but i don't know it maybe cause i haven't slept for so long
i know he wanted it to work out and things, but i know in my heart of heart that in the long run, it's not going to be a good and happy relationship, not that it was one.
he hurted me a lot but i allowed myself to be hurt
lol, it's an experience i doubt i can forget
anyways my graduation is the day after the last day of school
we get going to have it in a church on the 28th
a 104 reunion is tomorrow, or i should say today
i still talk and hang out with angela and lynne
everyone else i really consider as an old friend, they don't know about me other than the jr high diana
on another topic, i've joined a dance group since march
and the final preformance is on the 27th(the late day of school), but that's my graduation rehearsals
so i don't know if i'll make it, plus i don't even know all the dances
i joined because jackey asked. he's my lately new friend
i think he could actually be my best friend(i haven't like had a best friend since like the 5th grade or something)
all but one thing...
i think he likes me or liked. it was march we talked online and everything
i was myself-->nice, friendly
also like myself, i don't tell people openly that i have a boyfriend, mainly they never speak and cause where does it come up in conversations?
he asked one time, and i told him
i didn't want to make the same mistake i have in the past, it was not so good in the beginning i think he didn't talk to be as much
but later he did, but i think we don't talk much other than the fact my brother hogs the internet line
is that we don't have anything else to talk about, and he's a nice quiet and i guess shy guy
he doesn't talk much, but all in all i think he's a nice guy
o yeah he's a year younger and goes to tech.
in the dance practices there were 2 times where i actually wanted to cry
i thought to myself how is it that robert doesn't make me cry but dance practice does
it's stupid how the little things get to me
i also thought that me wanting to cry during those times, might be a replacement for the other times that i wanted to cry but didn't let myself to.
anyways i didn't
anyways i think i feel better typing all this up, it helps
plus it tells me what i can still type fast
probably not as fast i can or use to be
but at least that i can type
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